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Dark Phase

The day it started…

A while ago I experienced that feeling I never wanted to feel again. I wasn’tcold but I was trembling. I didn’t know what triggered it, but it scares me. I crouched down, curled up like a ball in my bed, puff some air a few times to slow down my breathing. It took me maybe a couple of minutes to control myself from shaking. Told myself I’m stubborn so there’s no way I’d give in to this weakness.

I remember when I had that same odd feeling. It was years ago when I was battling to get back my self-confidence, when I was trying to get back up again when I was trying to heal on my own. Because someone said I wasn’t good enough and I heard maybe the most horrible words I had ever heard my whole life, the verbal abuse, degrading me, mocking me, etc. I trembled to it. It sucked me into a dark hole almost consuming my sanity. Thankfully I was stubborn. I refused to succumb to it.

Being betrayed by the people you loved would make you feel unwanted and undesirable. I was at my lowest, but no one knew. But that’s always the case, I always fight my battles alone. I fought so many battles that I lost count of how many have I won. Or, have I ever won once? I fought on my own until I was able to face the world again. I pretended I was alright until I got used to it. I created my (own)world, my definition of peace though I continued to live in the dark. For me, I felt safer and braver that way. I went on a motto that says, “Be weird, be bad, be whatever. But be true.” But I don’t know if I was being true to myself. Because I pretended I don’t give a damn, that I don’t get hurt anymore. I built walls around me. I became the cold-hearted bitch. Some branded me a zombie. Maybe I was. But I didn’t care.

So why am I going through this again? They’re here again, the monsters. But why can’t they leave me alone?

Lately, I’ve been fighting a battle and I hope I can pull myself up from the pit that trying to drag me down. I’m exhausted so, I wanna get lost and recuperate. My courage is failing, and I need to get a hold of myself before it’s too late. I am not allowed to give up. I am not allowed to die.

As I’m writing this letter, my heart is beating fast while listening to a meditation song. In the meantime, I’ll try to find refuge somewhere. Away from here. And come back soon. While doing so, I’ll write more, maybe take pictures of my stuff, eat, work, and live (hopefully). I can’t give up. I can’t give in to anxiety and depression.

20 February 2022

I want to disappear…

I stayed inside my room. As much as possible I didn’t want to go out. I stayed inside listening to meditations, typing something on my laptop, or watching movies until I get tired. But I avoided social media. No Instagram. No Twitter. No Facebook. I want to stay disconnected. For a while.

But my family doesn’t know. Nobody knows that something was eating me up inside.

In the morning, I wrote the open letter because I was suffocating. Emotions were overwhelming I wanted to let them out and writing is the only way I know to vent out everything. But it was still not enough. Maybe it was near noon that I wrote something about a dream. Of waking up and being chased by monsters on a stormy evening. I think I’ve finished it. And I want to look for a picture that fits so I can upload it sometime.

Honestly, I don’t know where this process will lead me. But I’m hoping to come out triumphant. I know I must be strong. I can’t give up. Nobody can save me. Nobody will but myself. I’ve been through this so many times before without anybody by my side. Thus, I still can make it. This has to work.

I thought I was strong. I’m sure most people think that way. But deep inside I am crumbling. I am slowly losing. So, I need to go away. You might think I am running away but I have to save myself. I don’t care if you call me a coward. But right now, I don’t care what you think of me.

I am drowning.

Can I go to work tomorrow pretending nothing wrong is going on? Well, I did it before. I pretended I was emotionless. Maybe I can still do it this time. Fingers crossed tbh.

Later in the afternoon, I went out to buy milk for Maximus (our puppy). And I wanted to breathe some fresh air. I didn’t bring my phone and walked to the store located in the neighborhood. I was hopeful too, that it would somehow slightly clear my head.

And it was late in the evening that I realized I shouldn’t run away, that I must face my monsters and confront them. I am tired of running away, anyway. I realized I have my family, my son, and the people who love me. They would understand and support me.

I think I am ready to face them…

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